Dumb Fuckers of 2006

In the spirit of the DFFAQ I now humbly present... The Dumb Fuckers of 2006 awards! (Note: I got this in email. Thanks Squall.)

Number One Idiot of 2006
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the co nversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

Number Two Idiot of 2006
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them.
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run

Number Three Idiot of 2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left.
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

Number Four Idiot of 2006
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy........ but you still get a sign

Number Five Idiot of 2006
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.

At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

Idiot Number Six of 2006
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign

Idiot Number Seven of 2006
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.
Yep, Here's your sign

(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)

I live in a semi-rural area. (probably Weyauwega, Wisconsin) We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! - I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
> From Kingman , KS .

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City !

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham , Ala.

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street
I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the company due to" downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken.

We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "its open!"
His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton , Mississippi !

They walk among us .. and they REPRODUCE ...!!!

Gryyphyn, out.

The Human Condition

So, the human condition is a major philosophical debate. We're all subject to external forces that cause us anxiety. How we deal with these occurences is defined in part by genetics, learned behaviours, programmed responses and our cognitive processes.

In my last update I was pissed. I'm not so much anymore, at least not at the target of my initial anxiety. My perception was that I was betrayed by management. Instead I was betrayed by a coworker, stabbed in the back in effect. As a result I confronted the previously stated person in a dignified, professional manner and, although I saved face by how I handled the situation I still managed to make myself look like an ass.

In summation: I still hate most of the people in this fucking place, though I can add one more person to my white list. And there's still very, very few deserving people who are on my black list. I love the world in grey.

Who's on the list
Black list:
1. Osama Bin Laden: Go fuck yourself. You're a pissed off child because somebody else has something that you want: freedom of choice.
2. Sadam Hussein: Go have a little oni rape your ass while you're in hell. You were pissed because we wouldn't let you control the world. Boo. Fucking. Hoo.
3. My ex: How can you take an honest apology for a wrong done and turn it in to an insult? Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.
4. Every racist, biggoted motherfucker out there: If you feel it necessary to berate someone just because of their fucking skin you can just walk right the hell of a cliff, without a parachute or an ice-cube, right in to the pit of eternal torment.

Grey list:
Everyone not mentioned in the white or black list. There's many levels in here. I'm almost entirely indifferent to your existence.

White list:
A select, few people who know who they are. If they don't then they're probably in the grey.

When all else fails...
Take out your aggressions on video games! Or rather on real life depictions of annoying, invasive game characters.

I highly suggest that everybody in the world do one of the following things:

Break something. Not a stick, not a pencil. Break something that makes lots of noise. Glass makes fantastic noise...

Get some of that bubble wrap stuff and pop the ever living shit out of it. Or, better yet, wrap yourself and a friend in it and have a sumo match!

Yell at someone. Just once fly off the handle in the parking lot at the piece of shit who took the parking spot that you weren't in yet but were closer to than he/she was. There's something great about berating another person for being a perfect asshole.

Get laid. Or buy a porno. They're kinda the same thing unless your married. And don't take my advice as license to not use some kind of contraceptive: there's enough of you running around as it is.

Dumb fucker of the week
Captain Jim Kirk, USS Enterprise NCC1701 ("No bloody A, B, C or D." Scotty, ST:TNG)
If you've watched the original series you know why he's here. Who could be worse to captain the flagship of the UFP? Maybe Gomer Pyle...

Gryyphyn, out.


What do you do...

What do you do when your management gives you instructions or responsibilities and then rescinds them without your knowledge? How are you supposed to react to a situation like that? How do you handle the issue when it has to be discussed? How about when they tell someone else that your job has changed and make you look like an ass to your peers? I have to ask myself these questions now because that's what has happened to me.

I'm supposed to be directly responsible for a specific aspect of my team's duties. This was established months ago. And I just found out today that my manager has been telling people, in a meeting with other management persons and proverbial higher-ups, that I'm full of shit. Isn't life just fucking grand? Then, the person given this information by a manager, calls me out on the floor in front of the people I work with. People I'm supposedly assisting and training on particular detail where necessary because my ass is on the line if it's done wrong. They want an explanation about why I've been lying to them and everyone else.

So not only does this person, who I've had a lot of respect for, call me out and make me look like a fool, I'm supposed to handle it in a diplomatic matter. I don't know about you, dear, few readers, but I don't handle personal attacks in a diplomatic manner. I get defensive and I get pissed off. Then I have the terrible habit of taking it out on the wrong person apparently. So now I have to find out why management is calling me a liar, explain why I've blown up at someone and explain why I've been referring to my manager as a less than favorable and effective leader. Fan-fucking-tastic if I do say so myself.

To boot I have to answer for myself at some point to upper management, the client of the company I work for, why I've been shouldering this responsibility without endorsement of management.

I hate my job right now
I really do. I don't like the atmosphere anymore. The environment has become one of kill or be killed. I have to go in to every action, every decision, like it could be the last I make at my job. This shouldn't be a bad thing but should, instead, be a motivator to help you perform better, a kind of ethical guide-rule one keeps themselves aligned to.

I don't like my management anymore. They're effectively calling me a liar, making me less credible in the eyes of my peers and other managers. In all actuality they are making it seem that I'm some kind of rogue who's out to screw everyone. I'm not so sure, because I've never been a manager, but I don't think that you do that to your employees.

I don't like the people I work with anymore. Someone cries foul and all of the sudden I've wronged everybody in my office. I'm supposed to train these people and they make me look like shit because they ignore what I've taught them. Yes, I know, I could be guilty of the same thing but I take credit and blame when it's due upon me. People say I have a hard time admitting when I'm wrong. Those are the people who apparently don't know me because I'm one seriously fallible person. That's why I'm a person, not a fucking automaton.

I don't like the work I do. Not because it isn't rewarding. I like working with customers, especially when they like working with me. But I don't like that it changes. Not the infrequent, minor changes apparent in so many jobs but the fact that what I do changes on a daily fucking basis. And then I don't get told about it but I'm still held accountable for it.

Then there's the people I deal with. I have to fix other peoples fuck-ups. I have to explain to at least one customer per day why they were told something wrong. And I have to show the courtesy not to directly blame anyone when that's what the customer really wants: "Someone fucked me up, now I want someone to get fucked up. Since you're on the phone it's gonna be you asshole." Gotta love how you get to be a scapegoat because somebody can't seem to pull their head out long enough to check for changes in the weather.

Fuck everyone
I just don't like people right now. I'm at a point where, for the moment, I just don't really like a whole lot of people. There's a few who I still like to be around. I can count them on one fucking hand... literally. All of them know who they are. If they don't then they're not on that list. I could do with a vacation from people.

Let's define persons and people really quick here. A person is an entity, human, who has an intelligence level greater than that of a newt. Someone who, for a cumulative total of at least five minutes per day, has something intelligent, insightful and worthy to open their mouth to utter. People, on the other hand, is a group of two or more persons that cause the average group intelligence to drop by a decent proportion each time another person is added, making each new person added worth one half the previous addition. A fantastic example of this is a customer.

One customer is equal to one person and, let's say, 10 points. They are informed about the world around them and are capable of dealing with more than one person in a two sided conversation without becoming stupid. But add another customer to your first and you have customers (the plural of customer), therefore people (the plural of person). When you have two customers to one customer service worker the conversation dynamic changes. Math would state that you should now have 20 points. But you really only have 15 because the new person can only add half the amount of new, valuable information as the first. Add another and you only have 17.5. See where I'm going?

It's a downward trend friends. You see this most when you have a conference call. Oh holy fucking hell. The general consensus is that each additional person will have something new to add, some facet of the stone that needs to be revealed. The problem is that at a certain point, very early in the game of add-on, the new information either is irrelevant or trivial to the point of unnecessary. Don't believe me? Ever read a blog?

Think of blogs as a conversation, especially news blogs. CNN drops a story about a bombing in Iraq. NBC hits it at the same time but each has details the other doesn't. Then comes CBS and they have a new detail but it's something like "the car the bomb was in was a Toyota that was bought from Abu Nahasapemapetalon". Okay, so they like to use Toyota's from Abu but it's not really relevant to the reader, just good for troops to look out for. Then Fox says it was a white Toyota. Now we're getting stupid. Then it hits the bloggers. By this point all necessary detail has been gleaned from the incident and all new "detail" is ridiculously useless or simple conjecture.

But this is how people work. Persons are intelligent. People are dumb. This means that humanity, in general as a social species, is collectively stupid. I'm not separate from this condition. I can be pretty fucking dumb (quite a bit actually... fnord).

Okay, I'm done
Really, I'm done. Just done with all of it. I'm going to ignore my homework (can't concentrate on it anyway) and read. Need to turn my mind off for a while and read some smutty stuff... yay!

Gryyphyn, out.


God I want to go skydiving...

The following comment about the above video is not mine and has been left intact out of respect of the original author. That said enjoy this mini-update.

"After almost a week of training a group of dedicated skydivers put together the largest parachute formation ever built. It consists of 81 skydivers in the formation and several video people flying around. It took place over Lake Wales Florida USA just before sunset and has some incredible shots by some incredible video fliers, and a picture-perfect "starburst" break-away."

Gryyphyn, out.


Thinking hurts!

Finished Ergo Proxy
And you know what?
None of my fucking questions were answered! Have you ever watched Serial Experiments Lain? (Quick side note while we're on that subject: a show about the wired doesn't have it's own website...) Ok, now have you ever watched Neon Genesis Evangelion? Yeah. Put those two together with a little Laughing Man and there you have the ending for Ergo Proxy. It gives a little more explanation in to the underlying problems that the series posed but doesn't really answer the damned question.

All in all, though, I still highly recommend it. Good watch, good animation, good scripting, blah blah blah. Everything you could want, including language, violence, deep story, attractive characters of both sexes (even some robots, mrowr!), and enough underlying psychoanalytical forethought to keep even me busy. Seriously. And I have a teacher with a masters in clinical psychology to turn to for answers!

Back to NGE
For those of you who may not know yet, and how could you not, NGE has four new movies coming out starting this summer. This is to be a clear departure from the normal storylines and will chronicle more of the teenage, angsty shit we seem to love and eat up in the states. But did you know this isn't a new concept?

On the contrary, Neon Genesis Evangelion: R is a full-fledged fan fiction and doujinshi. And it rocks! There's fan art, the fiction itself, and a manga to go with it. Go and read it, monkeys!

Real life recap (feel free to skip this part...)
Over the last two months I've been updating more and more. I'm trying to purge my brain here. I've been in the process of writing no fewer than three books and two fan fictions for anywhere between 3 years and 4 months and I keep getting sidetracked. In an effort to keep my mind on track I've been focusing more on getting my brain to turn off, getting it to turn back on and getting all of the shit out of the way that keeps me from focusing. I think it's working.

Part of this is to empty my mind on to this place. Maybe if I dump enough of the practiced motions and emotions I'm forced to go through in my every-day life I can feng shui my sorry excuse for a brain back in to the raw, powerful form it once was. No sign of humility there...

What's more I'm getting ready to graduate from college. I'm the first in my family, out to four points, that I'm aware of that will finish college in shit knows how long. This is another thing I need to rid my mind of: the friggin' worry of everything after that. I've not come to it yet and shouldn't have to deal with it yet.

I still don't feel better.

And we're back.
So, want to hear about more stupid fuckers? Well I have a great one for you.

"Duh, I'm your customer! Don't you know you're supposed to lie down on the floor while I step on your balls? Let me tell you how to do your job why don't ya?!"

Yeah, we got ourselves a live one here. Dumb-ass actually told me he knew how I was supposed to do my job. Tell me something unwashed asses (tee hee: a Barenism!): Do you really expect people to hand you everything in your sorry fucking life? Did it never occur to you that my saying "no" actually means no? Well, I'm sorry that I can't fulfill your every fucking wish because you think you're more important than me. Tell you what: you give me your product for free and I'll give you mine for free. Fair trade, no? No? Oh, sorry, you want free stuff. Well too fucking bad, asshole!

Seriously. Guy wanted me to give him free shit left and right because "I spent money on your company and without it you'd go under". Yeah, no. He spent $200 on eBay. The real thing costs $750 and that's our cheapest device by some $7,999,250. No joke at all. I work for the second largest networking company in the world and $200 doesn't mean shit to me. The bonus? If he wants what he's asking for it's going to cost him twice as much because he didn't go about things the right way.

The moral? Play by the rules, no matter how stupid they are. That's seriously it.

Gryyphyn, out.